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"Oi kau hidup lagi tak kat belakang tu?", shout out loud from one of akak who is work in my department. 

For those who knows me, you know how am I. But for those who don't, I think they will assume that I'm the person who is arrogant, mysterious and too silence. Honestly, I'm not sure how to having a conversation with strangers, but surely when you already know me for a while, you will know how friendly am I.

However, because this attitude, I'm actually didn't really make any friends in my new workplace. I tell you what, I just know some new staff in my department, and for other department only limited to those that I already knew during my practical period before. New friends? Too less dude. 

Imagine this situation. I have attend for a town hall meeting with Managing Director last two weeks. Since this meeting involved all staff in my company, then I meet with many new faces that I never really have chance to see them before. I sit between two strangers, in third line from the front. This meeting is held around 2 hours. And I tell you what, I really don't talk ANY single words along that period. Seriously.

So what I did along that period? Since I'm going to that meeting in rushing and left all my things behind, includes my cellphones, so I didn't have any single things to do. I pretty damn boring along this meeting (plus the MD being there late!) therefore I just keep looking around. I could see each people having conversation with another's people like they didn't meet for a decade. All of them seems busy gossiping about the company matters, or at least about their family. While others pretty busy texting by their cellphones. The staff that sit beside me seems awkward and he really seems boring just like me. But at least he have his cellphone, he could do something, or else, he try to show his interest in other's conversation (with hope could participate with them for sure). At last, he did it. Me? I keep looking for the people around me, and anything around me, such as the chair belong to whom (there is such simple reference code write on there), emergency exits, the fire extinguisher, ceiling air-conditioner, and others. Trust me, you don't ever want to be in my place on that time.

Therefore when it comes to the wonderful weekend, I just realize that I really didn't have any friends to hangout with or to fill my precious time with some activities. My life seems pretty boring and plain, which exactly reflect inside me; empty and all alone. I'm not even sure who will attend my wedding later (why suddenly comes out with wedding?) and I'm also not even sure who really would like to marry this boring person thereafter. 

Since currently I'm also still studying in university, maybe it seems that I have big opportunities to make more friends for sure. But actually I didn't. I only have times to go and back class for straight 2 days (not exactly sure for next sem schedule), and the rest is working days. The lecturer days is surely tight for a whole day, therefore I didn't have any chance to meet  with other student's besides than my course mates. You think I have many friends among my class? No, I didn't. I'm friends with almost of class members, but not even sure they really could be claimed as my friends or not. I just sit alone behind the class and do my own things while lecturer doing their job, give a lecture to their students. I didn't really participate during class session neither participate with social committee among coursemates. I feel miserable and just look like an alien in that community. I'm also not exactly sure how I could been here in the first place.

I really would like to becomes Neal Caffrey in White Collar, where he could participate in any types of person to deal with, and I don't even want to have a miserable life like  Dr. Gregory House in House M.D. But though, I'm not sure how I could achieve this, since I really didn't have any skills relating to the involvement with other people. 

So my wonderful readers, could you at least tell me what should I do for breaking the ice that keeping my mouth shut along this time?


"Kau kena belajar buat keputusan sendiri." (Joe, 2010)

His short words, yet simple, make me wondering about my entire life. Honestly, I am the last person in Earth which you should referred to, if comes to the make a decision. I always have a problem regarding to this matter, either I always blur or too lazy for think about it, or else, actually I'm too scared to make a wrong decision. Though I know, we didn't ever know either our decision is right or wrong until we made a choice.

Along this short journey, I think I didn't have any matter that I really decide for my life. Either I ask other person's opinion (in other words, ask other's decision) or simply just let the situation takes over my place for making decision. For example, if I didn't get any job in a specific period (after 2 months of graduation, and before Master application approval due date), I will further my study in Master Degree level. (Actually the course that I choose based on my friend's decision too). Although deep in my heart, I'm too tired for continue study again and again. But finally I did too, in order to keep the promise by myself.

Yeah, maybe I had made a decision in almost small things, such as buy any clothes, accessories, or whatever, but for such decision that really effect to my life, I didn't really made it. Surely, it comes to the relationship matter too. Not me that really tackle my previous girlfriends, but they did. And I didn't really made decision for being with them, but I simply take it what seems in front of me. Yup, I made a decision for accept them into my life, but is I really think further about that? Nope. That's why my life keep turning upside down.

So, guess what I'll tell others when it comes to the making decision part? It the most typical answer that I used since my childhood age; ENTAH, or TAK TAHU. For me, it's the most safe answer in the world, since I don't need to think what choices should I choose, which side should I take places, which party should I take care their feelings, but in the same time, the decision that made by others, don't actually reflect what actually I really want. But I'm such a great follower, that I just follow what they decide for me. The answer that I give (didn't know) to others when childhood age is keep repeat again and again over the years, and for such reason, I become indecisive person when it comes to the decision matter. Sometimes, my answer will annoy others too, since I didn't really answer their questions, and only leave the said matter with question mark.

I know that being a man means that I should take care of a woman, which need a real guidance from me. If I didn't really make a decision for her, who is have to then? I really should change this annoying manner in order to develop myself to be a better person than yesterday. I'm not a small child that need an order from their parents anymore, but I'm an adult which keep growing from time to time in order to become more maturely in a good old days.

Sayonara, KL

@Kay El (KL) on Christmas was totally disaster. the biggest mistake that I ever did on 2010. I put the end point of this year with such horrible memory.

Selipar kene rembar kat masjid, again. aku letak asing, jauh mana sekalipun, tetap ada jugak setan yang berminat rembat selipar aku. kau boleh buat ape je dengan selipar aku tu? masak sup? jual timbang kilo? bullshit. Traffic jam. kereta laju-laju macam pelesit. traffic jam. hon sana sini, lu ingat hon tu button untuk kereta lu terbang ke? trafik tiba-tiba pulih bila kau hon? kata orang KL yo, lu macam tak biasa pulak jumpe jammed? stupid. bukan setakat jalan, carpark pun sama. stuck dalam times square 7 jam buang masa. then, dah la jalan jammed, kene tutup lagi dengan polis. macam haram. manusia macam dah takde umah. bersepah kat tepi-tepi jalan padahal dah pukul 2 pagi. sama banyak dengan sampah sarap yang bergelimpangan di atas jalan kota metropolitan malam tu. dan tak tahu sejak bila Christmas jadik perayaan 1Malaysia. maybe diorang tunggu santa turun depan pavilion. kaki sakit sial, kereta dah la manual. sesat biasa la, KLCC ada sebagai penunjuk arah. dem! lampu signal bateri tiba-tiba kaler merah, time sesat dan bersesak-sesak macam ni. air cond pula dah mula panas, keluar angin je lebih. matikan, buka tingkap, panas berpeluh-peluh doh. hotak dia asap bas tu macam asap kilang. bila lampu depan mati, aku dah makin cuak. signal pun taknak hidup, walaupun emergency signal. destinasi tak sampai lagi. gaduh dan perang. belum kira drama airmata lagi.

Call me kuno or whatever, I don't ever care. the truth is; KL suck!

Bye KL. pergi tak kembali.

Until I own a private jet, or at least, hot babe baloon.